“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
You Might Also Like
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
That’s not how days work.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names