“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Worth remembering.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*