I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
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When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.