Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
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How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss