CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people