i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*