For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
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Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Friday
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident