Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
what?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts