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me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Mistakes were made
i think we should see other cousins
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.