My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.