Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
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*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Happy Taco Tuesday
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet