“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
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Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.