So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee