HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.