As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.