My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
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I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
a lot to unpack here
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
HELP 😭
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away