Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
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You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.