I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Yoga Matt
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
every college guy’s fridge
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?