Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
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texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME