After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
fourth time’s the charm
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth