BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Chemical wingman
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Growing up was a huge mistake
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
yes… yes…
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.