Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
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If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
What flavor cupcake are these
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
me and who
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
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Expectations vs. Reality
I put the h in mysterious.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit