Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.