One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.