*Seductively hides in the woods
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He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?