Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
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Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
describing stardew valley
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.