PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
fly smarter, not harder
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN