Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Leaving the Barbers like
girls literally only want one thing..
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%