“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Choose your fighter
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”