Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
When the stylist spins you back around
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies