put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!