If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
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*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Would you wear it?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours