If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*