[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
If you know, you know