I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it