One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”