Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over