Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
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Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.