I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
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Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.