My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My purse is deeper than some people.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
How I like cutting carbs
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”