Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
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[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.