Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed