Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.