If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
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My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again