Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY