Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
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Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.