haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
dude it’s called proctologist
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
me hitting on a model
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.