Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
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Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?