My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
You Might Also Like
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge