*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Oh yeah that’s it
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?